sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
