wanna go halves on a baby?
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
