Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Randomize
