Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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