guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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