My sheets look like a crime scene.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
