i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize