i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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