Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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