I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
