I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
