Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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