bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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