also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
