Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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