My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
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