So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Floor bacon is actually really good
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
