Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
