i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
