I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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