i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
