made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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