capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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