So drunk its hurt
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
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