"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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