someone threw a dead crab at me
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
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