Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
