Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
