I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
