her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
porn star boner night. come get it.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
