i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
