...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
