Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
