In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
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