I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize