you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Randomize
