At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
You made out with two different species that night
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
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