Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
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