Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
