Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize