Your mouth is God's brothel.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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