I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
