puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
