She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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