sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
