My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
