i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
