do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
