mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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