so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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