Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
