9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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