I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
