so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
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