And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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