Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
